By Paolo Biccheri
I had no idea how scary this Fall would be, but then Brett Kavanaugh appeared.
Halloween and I are moving into new territory as I'm just getting into the 'Halloween Vibes'. As a kid, I loved it and though I experienced no trauma regarding bowls of razor blades, I still had one rule: no scary movies.
I walked out of the theater during I Am Legend—rather, I was so anxious I left during the trailers. Eventually, I did watch the movie when I was 14-years-old. I watched it through latticed hands and behind my friend’s couch at a Halloween party, crying because I was sad the dog died.
So no scary movies for me.
Until 2016 when I decided to be bold and throw my arms wide open to the season. I wanted to be that guy who wished the bagger at Whole Foods, “Happy Fall,” and to put Dollar Tree skeletons on my porch steps. I started small with seasonal cocktails and pumpkin-y food; I had a Dia de los Muertos celebration and sent white light to the family members I lost that year. Then I put on a scary movie. I started with The Exorcist and was highly unnerved. My roommate laughed at me, a lot. Last year I raised the stakes: I placed spooky trinkets all over my apartment and drank my first Pumpkin Spice Latte (shout out to Zoka Coffee Roasters in Seattle--big ups.)
Even so, I had no idea how scary this Autumn would be, and it’s all thanks to Brett Kavanaugh.
Well, not all thanks. He can’t take all the blame for decades of institutional survivor-shaming and patriarchy. He’s just doing a great job of encouraging the 'Proud Boi' cause. There aren’t any movies about him (yet), though Matt Damon made a compelling bid for the titular role.
So as I venture into this new month, and as this Supreme Court debacle unfolds, I decided to rank him against some of the classic baddies.
Disclaimer: I unapologetically believe Dr.Ford; and relating to Kavanaugh’s “truth” is a layered, complicated issue that I am not exploring in this seasonal jaunt. (And those layers probably have to do with toxic masculinity, binge drinking, and the global norm of men taking public spaces and women as their property.)
Brett Kavanaugh v. Pennywise the Clown
Easy joke alert: Kavvanaugh is a clown. And so is Pennywise, so I guess they would have a lot to talk about. More than that, they both are into deceiving people about assaulting others in need. If only Pennywise had some Yale buddies to jump on the bed and knock him to his senses. If only Kavvanaugh had some Yale buddies to knock him to his senses, but so far it sounds like they just lifted weights and calendared together.
Verdict: Kavvanaugh, because he’s real.
Brett Kavanaugh v. Jason Vorhees
Brett Kavanaugh with a machete: scary. The joy of movies is in the suspension of disbelief, and the joy of Halloween is in removing that suspension. This could happen to you! We think. In the case of Vorhees and Kavanaugh, I’m far more afraid of an angry white man deciding the fate of major public policy for years to come than an angry white (masked) man twirling a bloody garden tool.
Verdict: Kavanaugh, because he’s real.
Photo courtesy IMDB
Brett Kavanaugh v. Jack Torrance from the Shining
Similar to this Stephen King patriarch, Kavanaugh abused women and made it much worse by amplifying his rage rather than accepting what was being said about him. Neurotically writing (read: calendaring) is one of Brett’s all-star talents. Whereas all work and no play made Jack a dull, Kavanaugh wants nothing more than to fall on the sword and offer his life of service for the betterment of his country. Unfortunately, similar to Jack, Brett has at the very least a deadly drinking habit. As reported by the American Heart Association, men should drink no more than two drinks a day. Liking beer, drinking beer, drinking a lot of beer, and lastly liking beer doesn’t excuse poor behavior while drunk. It just makes you a problematic drinker, something the male zeitgeist could stand to discard.
Verdict: Brett Kavanaugh, because he’s real.
I will stay optimistic and open-minded as my terrifying Halloween celebration deepens, and as I delve further into this world of spooktacular movies (looking for good recommendations, so please get at a ya boi.)
I’ve come to enjoy the end of a good scary movie, actually. It’s jarring. It’s disconcerting. It makes the thought of going to sleep as terrifying as eating a quiche and finding a hairy tarantula.
The terrifying scene on display in Washington D.C. is less entertaining. Sexual assault and the implications it has had on people of color in my life are very scary. Ya know, because it’s real.
So how would I answer the initial question? Quite high.
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